Today I’ve been thinking a lot about time. And expectations. And really the things I want to provide for my children. I want my children to learn to be kind, loving, and emotionally healthy people. I want them to learn to love family and put others ahead of themselves. I want my children to have so many different experiences and help them be the best they can be at whatever activities they choose.

I think these are typical desires of parents. I feel so much pressure to get them involved in all the things that cost money. I want to make sure I am having them spend time with the right people, like family and friends that we love. And I want to make sure I keep the house in order to provide the right environment for them to play and learn. I want to make the most of every weekend as a family and do all the experiences and fun things to check off the bucket list. I also want to travel with my family and introduce them to the world and other cultures and people that don’t look like us. I want to show them love that is self-less and challenging.

On top of all this I want them to learn that I am my own person and that I have dreams and goals for myself that are important. I want to be an example to my children of a woman who is influential and successful. Not to mention, I want them to understand that we all have to be responsible in life and contribute to society.

But man that is a whole lot! And it doesn’t feel like I have the time or the money for it all. It doesn’t feel like I have the patience or the ability to do it all either.

I’d love to live a slow life of caring for our house and nature walks and slow meals around the table. A simple life that isn’t stressful and where I am not an angry mom. I’d love to enjoy my children and family and have enjoyable conversations and read books aloud to each other. I’d love to play ukulele on the patio and talk about the stars. It doesn’t feel like I have time for this though.

I feel either rushed to get to the next thing or too exhausted because of the rushing to enjoy. The question is how do I get there? Is it tiny house living? Is it minimalism? Is it spending more time with God? Is it saying no to more things? Maybe I need to exercise more or eat better. I wish I knew the answer because I’d love to get there.

But perhaps thinking of all of these things I want to accomplish all at once, is just too much and too overwhelming. Life doesn’t happen all at once. It happens moment by moment. Day by day. Month by month. And if I take life slowly and take moments to be present, perhaps I will have a chance to teach them the values I want, and be able to have the memories I want for my family.

There are plenty of moments of calm and enjoyment for me in being a mother. Some days I do see the values I desire for my children played out in their interaction. Some weekends workout so wonderfully like playing ukulele at my dad’s house and feeling a full heart. Some days my kids tell me that I am a silly mom and they love me so much. And so I will think on those things instead. I’ll think on the beautiful moments where we sit around a table and laugh with our friends while the children play ninjas and superheros. These are the moments that if I think on them, they will carry me through. And hopefully, the bedtime apologies of losing my cool will teach my children grace and how to be emotionally healthy.